Why Is Dating So Hard?

Jana

Comment: I haven't dated in about a year now and I'm finding it harder and harder to even be interested in going out on the dates I get asked out on.  I find myself making excuses to not go out.  I want a great relationship, I want a future with someone, but I find myself wanting to be alone more and more.  Is this depression, Is this me being tired of dating?  I find fault with every person I talk to, I really just want that last guy....my forever guy but I can't seem to get there. Age: 43 City: calgary State: alberta

I can't say for sure if you're suffering from depression. What I can say is that what you describe is very common; it's dating fatigue. It's this weird mixture of lethargy, dread and hopelessness.

Dating these days brings with it an unprecedented amount of rejection and disappointment. It's no wonder so many people throw their hands up and give up. It's hard to keep going when every time you try you're slapped down. As advantageous as dating apps like Hinge and Tinder are, they are partly to blame for how dejected and despondent we feel.

But you have to keep going. Even when everything inside of you tells you there's no point, it's not worth it, etc. You can't quit. Dating breaks are actually counter-intuitive. As you're experiencing now, these respits actually make getting back out there even more difficult. That time you spend not dating makes you rusty. It's like if you worked out five days a week then decided one day to stop. Two months later, you go back, and all that progress you made months earlier is nearly gone. You ache more, your muscles are tighter. Worst of all, you're more prone to injury.

Dating breaks have similar consequences. The longer you ride the bench, the more in your head you get. The more you wallow. The more you allow the fear of rejection to overwhelm you.

I'm where you are right now. The thought of dating makes my stomach pitch. I was with someone for six months and he recently told me that he ended things "because his heart just wasn't in it." And now my heart isn't in it. What I have to do know isn't slink off to a corner and lick my wounds. I have to go do things that recharge me and make me feel good about myself while still making myself available to meet someone. I have to engage in activities that make me happy.

That's why I've been interviewing for jobs working with dogs. Using my trauma recovery certification, I'm looking to expand my coaching to include rescue dogs. I need an outlet for the love I have to give and I need to have that love returned to remind me that I'm lovable. When we're ghosted or blown off for the hundredth time, it's easy to believe nobody wants us. That's why it's important to offset those feelings of low self-worth with things that reinforce how truly worthy we really are. Because online dating can be so brutal to our identities, we need to compensate for those negative messages by doing something positive and productive. That's what single people need most these days: a dating charger that we can plug in and restore all the energy that's been sapped from our system swiping left and right.

It doesn't have to be a second job or new career. It can be as simple as starting and finishing a jigsaw puzzle or taking a hot yoga class. Do things that challenge your limitations. If that's not your cup of tea, give back. Volunteer for a soup kitchen or write thoughtful notes for friends you know are going through a rough time or that would appreciate unexpected ind words Doing anything that makes you feel good about yourself while navigating the choppy waters of dating apps and traditional online dating sites. Balancing out the good with the bad will help you stave off the burn out. There's no magical elixir for dating fatigue. You just have to keep showing up.

If you truly feel you will benefit from a dating break, then by all means, do what is best. Just don't sequester yourself off entirely. During that hiatus, make it a point to do something that inspires you or fulfills a passion. Reignite your passion not just for dating but for living.

Good luck!