What To Do When They'll Have Sex With You But Won't Date You
From: sointohim30 Comment: Hi! I've read so many articles and I still don't know what to do. I met this guy this summer. We live in the same city and he is a coach at the gym I go to. To start from the beginning, we went on a few dates, we ended up having sex at his place twice, it was amazing for the both of us. He would even always drive me back home after our dates. There is a serious physical attraction between us, whether we are alone together or in public (in public we are being so discrete because it's at his workplace). Then, I started getting so attached. He is a very busy man, so focused on his work and tasks and he did honestly tell me he was having a hard time organising and managing all the tasks he had to get done (work, home, taxes,...). Days past and he never had time for us to meet up again. He finishes work late, never before 9pm and earlier on the weekends, but he probably also needs free time for himself (he is also a personal coach and has another work career). So the problem started when I was contacting him too much but in a sweet way, I never realized it looked pushy. I really wanted to see him before going on holidays (it was just the beginning and I was gonna be gone for a month and a half). I may have texted him too much and he got mad. It froze me and I didn't answer back.
I travelled, a month and half passed by and no news from my side or his. When I was back I tried to break the ice and make it right, which was a great idea. The only thing is now he is so into me sexually but wants casual hooks ups. He said to me "Listen I don't want to be with someone, but if you ever wanna meet up for casual hook ups, I would love to take care of you". Honestly, I loved that because I do want anything from him, to get a piece of him. And I had, myself came out of a very serious relationship 6 months ago (and little disappointing stories after my ex), so to me it sounded like an exciting plan! We haven't gotten the chance to meet up yet. We occasionally bump into each other at the gym but he still hasn't decided on a day. He has a lot to do and tasks are adding up. He did go out once or twice this week though. Does he want us to meet when he is not so exhausted to really enjoy our moment together, so he is waiting for the right time? I send him sexy photos of me from time to time to spice things up and he loves it.
About his behaviour when I'm around at the gym. He always notices me wherever I go. He knows where I am, whom I'm talking to. The thing is he doesn't like anyone knowing about his personal life (he had told me that before). Our eyes always meet, we smile at each other. I go to him and we kiss to say "hi how are you?" acting so casual in front of everyone. He is constantly on his phone texting. When we are standing close with people around he would never make eye contact. Does it have to do with his attraction towards me? Scared to get caught? Or could it be another reason?
He is a cold person, probably shy too, doesn't talk much but at the same time likes having people around. He is sociable. I am so into him! I think of him every single day. I want to talk to him all the time. I'm stuck in my feelings for him. His starsign is Cancer, he is 30 and always seems very responsible.
Whenever another guy talks to me or stares a me at the gym, he is so aware. He would try to be discrete but I can see he is looking this way. There is one thing that got me thinking a lot this week. I was working out and there was this guy who kept looking at me, he couldn't get his eyes off me. He was actually being coached by my crush who stepped away for a few minutes (on his phone texting and waiting). Suddenly, my crush realized that the guy was staring so much he looked to see who the guy was looking at and when he saw it was me, he stopped texting and went straight to him. I kept on going with my workout but was really wondering what my crush was telling him. What do you think he was telling him? What could his sudden reaction mean?
His texting habits. I always initiate, he doesn't... probably because I don't give him time to miss me? So I decided not to text him every day. My messages aren't annoying and I never lecture him about anything. He has his freedom, he reads my messages, sometimes answers right away or after he is done with work, sometimes reads and doesn't answer when there's no question asked. It depends...
I could not tell if he's just so into me physically or he actually likes me more than that but is afraid of commitment, was heartbroken before, disappointed before, or just doesn't have time or energy to give me more than just sex? or could he himself be confused and not really know what exactly his feelings are for me? other than the sexual part...
I would love to have your feedback and advice :) I just really want to be with him whether for fun or anything else. I'm not in a hurry to settle down with anyone so I don't mind going with the flow. How could I get him to want to choose a day soon no matter how busy his schedule is?
Thanks! Age: 30 City: Paris State: Ile-de-France
Okay, take a breath. Before you do anything else with this guy, you need to have a really honest conversation with yourself. First, re-read this letter. Does this sound breezy to you? Does it sound, in your language, désinvolte ? Because - to me - it sounds like you are slightly obsessed with this trainer guy. That's the opposite of désinvolte. You're doing a great deal of head-hopping here, presuming to know what he is thinking. It's natural to be excited about someone you like, but you're projecting an awful lot onto this guy.
You're working overtime trying to rationalize why this man hasn't been very responsive - he's busy, he's afraid to be hurt, he's committed to his job, etc. He could be all those things and still make time for you. He doesn't do that. You really need to start acknowledging that this man is not returning your interest. Sure, he'll respond with an eggplant emoji to your naked pictures, but that's nothing to get excited about. He's exerting less than minimal effort where you are concerned. Pay attention to that, not all the things you think he's thinking when you see him at the gym. What he does and what you think he's doing are two polar opposite things.
Here's what we know:
*He doesn't approach you at the gym; you approach him.
*He doesn't respond to many of your texts.
*He doesn't initiate most of your text conversations.
*He hasn't asked you out again.
Most importantly, he's told you he is not interested in dating you, but would totally have sex with you.
Girl. GIRL! Listen to that again: he won't date you, but he will have sex with you. Do you understand what that means? It does not mean he's nursing a broken heart or too busy. It means he doesn't want to be with you unless it's just for sex. I really need you to process what he's actually saying to you, because he's insulting you. This whole drama of him watching you watching him watching you thing is in your head. I've been there. I know what it's like to crush on someone so deeply that you're sure - absolutely sure - they feel the same way. But it doesn't sound like this guy even notices you, let alone acknowledges you.
Nothing about this letter says "go with the flow." You are not going with the flow here. You are trying to force something to happen, which is probably one of the main reasons nothing is happening. Which is probably a good thing because this guy totally disrespected you by admitting he sees you as someone to have sex with and nothing more.
I implore you to let this go and do some digging as to why you're so attached to someone who has given you no reason to believe he feels the same way.