What Do You Do When You Catch Your Match In A Lie?




I just started talking to a guy through a dating app and we moved to texting (my choice). We have really great convo and it’s even gotten really flirty so I know we’re sexually compatible.


I dug a little deeper tonight about his past and when he told me the years his parents died, I mentioned that that was awfully young and asked who raised him. He said he was 20 when that happened.

The age on his profile and the story he gave me didn’t add up.

When I called him out on it, he said “Oh, that’s one of the profiles where I lied about my age.”


He claims he’s afraid of ageism.

(I’m 40, will be 41 in June)

Editor’s note: He’s 55 and said he lies about his age due to ageism. He said he doesn’t look or feel 55.

Thoughts?


So, I’m one of the first people to say to give someone a chance when they fudge their age in their dating profile. He’s not wrong that ageism runs rampant on dating apps. As long as the person either states their actual age in their bio or within the first couple messages, I don’t hold it against them.


However…


Shaving 3-5 years off your age while remaining in the same decade as your actual age and lobbing off almost 15 years are two different things. I’m going to call bullshit on his claim that ageism made him do it. Why? Because you’re 15 years younger than him. Were there no 50 year old women he could match with on the app? He lied so he could enforce the very same bias he’s claiming was the reason for his untruth.


I guess ageism is only bad when it affects him. 🙄


He shot himself in the foot when he played the ageism card. That’s one of those excuses that sounds reasonable but, upon further examination, is actually total bullshit. He changed his age so he could appeal to and meet significantly younger women. How groundbreaking.


The thing is, in the world of online dating, sometimes lying in a necessary evil. I’m not talking big lies, like you’re single when you’re actually married. I’m talking about things like listing yourself as single when you’re actually separated or using the zip code of a more metropolitan/large location when you live in a smaller city. In both cases, the user must include their true relationship status and location in their bio. If someone doesn’t read the bio, well, that’s on them. The point of these white lies isn’t to deceive. It’s to increase your visibility on the platform. The truth is, people get filtered out shallow reasons all the time. I think people should be allowed a workaround when the reason they struggle to get matches is superficial, temporary or out of their control.


But back to your letter.


I suppose what bothers me most about his explanation is how blase he sounds. “Oh yeah, I have multiple profiles and I lie on some of them. Did I forget to mention that?”


As a matter of fact, Brad, you did.


It’s not the lie that bothers me. What bothers me is that he was such a bad liar. Not only did he trip himself up because he lost track of what story he was telling to whom, but he used an excuse that blatantly contradicts his own behavior! He’s not just insecure and ageist, he’s sloppy and illogical to boot!


Like my advice? Subscribe to my Substack. Free subscribers receive these public posts before anyone else. For $5 a month you'll get access to 2-3 private advice columns per week and bi-weekly exclusive podcast episodes for members only.




49 views0 comments