I really enjoy your website and your straightforward advice on dating. I’ve read so many of your readers unfortunate experiences when it comes to dating and relationships. People ghosting, not responding, among other things. Although these experiences happen to both men and women, I want to focus my attention on the women, since I am one. I’ve read an OP’s anguish over a man she was seeing for a few weeks only for him to disappear and never to be heard from ever again. Many of us mere mortals have experienced such things. However, I want your take – just because you are very honest and don’t hesitate to tell it like it is, regardless of how hurtful it may be. Do you feel that if those women looked like models, would they have gone through the same experiences such as ghosting and rejection? I ask this because I’m very aware that men are all about physical attraction initially, then personality and compatibility. But I've always wondered if the initial phase of dating for women would be so much easier if they looked like models. I’m very much aware that relationships do not last because the women are beautiful. And I'm very much aware of some men mistreating their beautiful significant others. I do, however, believe that many of men’s dating deal breakers or red flags are thrown out the window if the woman across from them looks like an Instagram model. I feel that men will risk a lot to date a woman way out of their league. Do you?
Now, I’m not an unattractive woman, by any means. To be honest with you, I do think I’m beautiful when I look in the mirror. But I can’t help but compare myself to these women when a guy I’m interested in hasn’t asked me out or responded to my text, messages, and so on. I can’t help but wonder, if I looked like Kendall Jenner or Bella Hadid, would he have already asked me out? I hear so many people giving love and dating advice concerning men losing interest in a beautiful woman even on a first date if she didn’t have a great personality or if they're not compatible. I just don't believe that. I know, I know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so here's my main question, if an extremely beautiful woman, whom her date also finds very attractive, possessed a lot of turn offs for that man, would he give up on her so soon? I don’t think he would. He will put up with a lot of shit for a while. What do you think?
I think this works both ways. Pretty privilege - a phrase that refers to objectively attractive people being able to behave a certain way without repercussions - is real. In fact, I would attribute a high percentage of complaints about online dating to people pursuing exceptionally attractive people despite that person behaving boorish and aloof.
Whether we realize it or not, our desire for status can sometimes compel us to make choices that are bad for us. Dating someone very good-looking is considered an achievement for many men and women. The explosion of social media and social networking platforms has made this worse, as it provides us with a myriad of ways to show off our ridiculously good-looking partner. We overlook flaws and are more willing to make excuses for someone if they in some way enhance our own public profile.
You speak of men as though they are a monolith, but they are not. Yes, some men are all about physical attraction and will ignore red flags if a woman is exceptionally attractive.
Some. Some. Not all. When people speak of the opposite sex in such a broad brushstroke capacity, it leads me to believe they are attracted to the same type of person over and over. It's similar to the women who complain that men on dating apps are just looking for sex. No, the men you match with are allegedly just looking for sex. There's a difference.
An even bigger misnomer is that women know what men find attractive. Girl, men aren't the ones buying makeup and lingerie. Women are buying that stuff. Those models aren't so much what men find attractive but what many women consider aspirational. (Also make special note that, in your letter, you provide two examples of beauty and both are white women. Do yourself a favor and expand your horizons a bit.) See also: Lupita Nyong'o
What men find attractive in women is very often dramatically different than what women consider attractive. I believe the folks who are consistently drawn to the same type of person - those with similar looks and body type - are trying to fulfill a fantasy or recreate a previous relationship.
My theory is that the only people who would tolerate prolonged bad behavior from a prospective partner are insecure, shallow or seek status. People with healthy self-esteem and who know right from wrong might stick it out for a couple of dates just for the fun of it. Most likely, they would soon tire of their date acting like an arrogant brat. It sounds like you're perplexed when a man rejects you because you think being beautiful is enough. Unfortunately - or fortunately, as the case may be - it's not.
If I had to guess, what men look for in women is what women look for in men: someone they can trust, who accepts them as they are, and who enhances their life. Looks might be what initially attract someone, but it's character and personality that decides true compatibility.
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