Name: KK Question: Hi,
About two weeks ago this guy messaged me on Bumble and quickly asked for my number. We texted a lot, which is a mistake I will not make again, and arranged for a date last Friday. He texted me right after I left to say he had a good time and asked if I wanted to meet up again and I said yes. We agreed to meet Monday, and we kept texting all weekend but on Monday early afternoon I canceled and asked when would be a good time for another date. He couldn't do Wednesday though Friday, which in retrospect should have been a red flag, I guess. But we agreed to Sunday. On Tuesday we were texting all day when we were free, and in the evening I didn't reply at all as I was at a show. When I got home I said I would see him Sunday and he said good night. On Wednesday no communication and I thought it was strange since he had been texting me daily but thought maybe he was busy.
On Thursday I didn't hear from him so in the afternnon I texted him to ask if we were still on for Sunday and he said yes. He clearly didn't want to talk so I thought that he had lost interest. We had no communication until Sunday when I decided to ask him what was up. He told me that it was really nice meeting me but he was seeing someone seriously. I told him congratulations.
So this is where I am confused. I could get if he just lost interest from one day to the next - it happens - we meet someone we like more. I just don't understand the timeline. Like, he couldn't stop texting on Tuesday, and then radio silence on Wednesday. How could he have met someone he liked late Tuesday night so that he would be over it by Wednesday morning? Did that happen? Or was he dating someone else before me and just texting me all day every day for the attention until he found out if the girl he really liked liked him back?
I don't understand what happened and I don't even get why I am so annoyed when I didn't even like him particularly in the first place. I wouldn't have been bothered if he had told me we weren't a good match because I'd sensed his lack of interest on Thursday. But that he is seriously dating someone, I just...am flummoxed.
I could use your advice, thank you. Age: 33
First, this isn't about him finding someone he liked "better." This is a case of a man who wanted someone available, but only how he defined available. You have a life: a job, friends, etc. You had all of these things before this man first winked or flirted or swiped. God forbid you not stay attached to your phone or to the dating app so you can reply to his messages immediately. This guy is looking for someone with as open a schedule as he has. He wants someone who is looking for a relationship right now. Times a wastin'! When you canceled on Monday and went quite Tuesday night, he interpreted that as you not being available or interested "enough." So what did he do? He threw his hook back in the water and started fishing again. Which, in my opinion, is similar to taking his toys and leaving the sand box. You were not showering him with enough attention.
Now, on the flip side of things:
Cancelling a date will always send the wrong message. I've spoken before about how much I dislike it. At least in this case, it was a second date and not a first. In any case, this guy took the cancellation to heart and left him feeling a bit rejected. He went back to the dating site or dating app where you met and started searching again. This is one of the downsides of free dating sites and free dating apps. People feel like they have an endless supply of potential matches when they really don't. Rather than, you know, just being patient, people return to Bumble app or Tinder or any of the other available dating sites and start the process all over.
Secondly. when you dropped out of the text exchange on Tuesday, he took that as another bad sign. Going forward, tell someone that you'll be incommunicado for a few hours so they don't sit there wondering where you went. When he said he was dating someone seriously, he was probably trying to get in one last jab. Of course, given how available this guy seems, he very well could have gone on 2 dates with someone and they agreed to be exclusive. Who knows? That's the kicker about online dating these days, the window of time we have to figure out what we want is almost non-existent. Things really do move that fast.
Lest you think you somehow screwed up, know this: you didn't. This guy has his own triggers that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. If he's going to move on every time a woman takes a few hours to respond to a text, he's going to have a bitch of a time finding a relationship.
As for your annoyance, it's totally normal to be bothered when you think someone has rejected you. Rejection is easy for literally nobody. But I will say that your admitted ambivalence about this guy is probably why you canceled the date and left his Tuesday text messages on read. Soooo he wasn't wrong to suspect you weren't all that into him.
The moral of the story? Keep the text conversations to a minimum before you actually meet someone. It sounds like this guy got a little invested due to the amount of messaging you to were doing off the dating app. And if you're not really feeling ti after a first date, trust yourself enough to know that your feelings are accurate. Women are always being pressured into giving men a second chance. When you know, you know. Ambivalence of any kind is usually a sign that there isn't any chemistry.