Name: Staci Comment: I met a guy on Tinder in his 40s who seemed to be well put together. He was a gentleman and very smart and courteous. We've had two dates so far, and on the second date the intimacy happened. Afterwards he then proceeded to tell me that he would like a relationship eventually since he is indeed in his 40s, but he needed to figure out where his head was at. I told him I was okay with it because I wasn't looking for a relationship either, but I was open to one if it happened naturally and the timing was right. He also told me that he would prefer if I didn't date other people because it would bother him and he wouldn't either, heck he even told me he deleted his tinder because he met me, which I didn't really let butter me up because it could have been all talk. Well after that night, he got really busy taking self help professional courses which apparently lasted all day and all through the weekend, and then the texts went from him replying every few hours, to 12 hours, and now no responses. He would usually reply with an explanation detailing how busy he was, and then he would say he would text me during the week and does indeed text me, but then when I text back and support it with another text he takes hours to reply, and now he didn't respond to my last two messages. I'm guessing it's time to scream next? I believe the approach I should have now when dealing with men is that I need a man who is steady, not indecisive, and that doesn't have to scream a relationship. What are your thoughts? Age: 24 City: Calgary State: Alberta
You need to tell Mr. Tinder Golden Balls (TM James Blake, Jameela Jamil's awesome feminist boyfriend) to take a seat. He has no business asking you to not see anyone else if he's not willing to commit. You are nobody's placeholder girlfriend, which is exactly how he is treating you.
Two dates is not long enough for anybody to be making the kind of requests he made. What he's really requesting is that you stay available just for him and when he has a free moment he will grace you with his attention.
This isn't about him being indecisive as much as it's about him being selfish and self-centered. People dating after forty tend to be a little too stuck in their ways and a smidge too self-obsessed. It's been just them for a very long time. They haven't had to consider anybody else. If they're dating after divorce in their forties, that singular way of thinking is even more detrimental to finding a relationship.
Now that we have that settled. let's talk about this whole "I'm not looking for a relationship" thing of which you speak. Girl, you are looking for a relationship. You might not be looking to move in with someone or meet their parents in the near future, but you are looking for a relationship. And that's okay. More than okay1 For years, dating advice blogs warned women about seeming too available. Those days are over. Because of the way dating apps have warped our decision making process, it's now crucial to put yourself out there. Women have been shamed into keeping such a desire to themselves lest they look too eager or aggressive. You're neither. You simply want to meet someone who appreciates you and wants to spend time with you while respecting your feelings and schedule. When you tell a man you're not looking for a relationship, he's not going to prioritize your text messages. He's going to take you at your word, even if he doesn't believe you, then use your own words against you.
I think part of the reason you keep encountering dolts like the one you describe above is because you're not owning what it is that you seek. If you want to find someone relationship-minded, you have to be relationship minded. Start there and be clear about what you want and I assure you, you will see a change in the type of men you attract.